


El'ru'esta

by Lalaith_Quetzalli



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Apologies, F/M, Families of Choice, Family, Family Drama, Fandom Trumps Hate, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Katra, M/M, Memories, Minor Character Death, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Soul Bond, Souls, T'hy'la, Telepathic Bond, Telepathy, True Love, Vulcan Language, references to Tarsus IV, talk about mental health issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-25 08:47:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30086514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lalaith_Quetzalli/pseuds/Lalaith_Quetzalli
Summary: They aligned their hands through the glass and for a moment it was almost like they touched, Spock almost believed he could feel the other man, his Captain, his friend, his… t’hy’la. Then James was gone… or was he? Spock could almost swear he could hear him, hear his voice, feel the warmth of his presence, but that’s impossible isn’t it? What Spock will soon be finding out is that nothing is impossible when love is involved.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Christopher Pike, James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk & Spock, James T. Kirk & Winona Kirk, James T. Kirk/Spock, Past Number One/Christopher Pike, Past Spock/Nyota Uhura (mentioned), Spock & Nyota Uhura
Comments: 5
Kudos: 52
Collections: Fandom Trumps Hate 2021





	El'ru'esta

**Author's Note:**

  * For [faradheia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/faradheia/gifts).



> For Faradheia, who bid for me in the Fandom Trumps Hate 2021 Auction. Hope you like this my dear! 
> 
> The initial idea that sparked this fic was, or rather were: Spirk, worldbuilding, aftermath of the second movie; there was also a mention of a feral Spock protecting Jim, which brought to mind Jim's death in the warp core, Spock's rage-fueled pursuit of Khan, and the aftermath of that. The other piece that went into building this... I've never watched TOS but I do know the basics thanks to wikipedia and a hell of a lot of fanfiction. The point being, the events of "Wrath of Khan" and "The Search for Spock"... it made me wonder, there Spock died, and his Katra moved to someone else (Bones, if memory serves), what if Jim's soul did something similar? Obviously Jim's not a Vulcan, so there had to be another reason... It went from there. 
> 
> Watch the tags, this fic has minor character death (canonical, with Chris Pike, and not-so-canonical, with two others... no one important in the movies, I promise); there are also references to Tarsus IV, or a version of the events there; talk of mental health issues (with Winona being the one to have them). Friendship, families of choice, drama, bonds, worldbuilding (because aside from a certain scene concerning Jim driving a car off a cliff, and one of Spock getting into a fight with vulcan youths when they insult his mom, we know next to nothing about what those two got up to before joining Starfleet... and I just love playing with those years!). 
> 
> The title is a word in the Vulcan language the meaning of which is explained in the story itself.

El'ru'esta 

_By: Lalaith Quetzalli_

_They aligned their hands through the glass and for a moment it was almost like they touched, Spock almost believed he could feel the other man, his Captain, his friend, his… t'hy'la. Then James was gone… or was he? Spock could almost swear he could hear him, hear his voice, feel the warmth of his presence, but that's impossible isn't it? What Spock will soon be finding out is that nothing is impossible when love is involved._

It ends in pain, tiredness, relief, resignation, grief, fear… so many emotions, so many deep, soul-wrenching emotions, the kind he swore never to allow himself to feel again. And yet in that moment it's all he can do hold on to them, as if doing so will somehow allow him to hold onto the one exuding them. In that moment Spock doesn't think of the fact that he's feeling, that he's crying, he presses his hand to the glass, aligning it as best he can to the one on the other side, his fingers instinctively shaping the ta'al.

_Live long and prosper… Live, Jim, please…_

The words weigh heavy on his mind, yet he cannot say them. Just like how he called his Captain friend, when truth is… truth is Jim is just… he's so much more, more than Spock could ever hope to explain.

_Friend… brother… lover… lifelong companion… soulmate… t'hy'la…_

He could almost swear, as he keeps his hand in place, as he mentally prays for Jim to hold on, he could almost swear that he can feel him, inside him, in his head… in his heart. Almost as if they were actually touching, bare skin to bare skin. As if their palms were connected, embracing… El'ru'esta, the hand embrace, one of the purest, most intense expressions of love in Vulcan society, meant just for close family and… t'hy'la…

Eventually it happens, the light in Jim's eyes dims, but the storm of emotion inside him doesn't quiet, instead, it explodes. And suddenly all he can feel is rage…

**xXx**

" _He's our only chance to save Kirk!"_

Nyota's words somehow manage to get through the cloak of his rage, yet the reason is not the voice, that it's her standing there, braving a psychotic superhuman (and an enraged Vulcan) to stop him. No, it's the name, it's her saying Jim's name that allows her words to get through to him. For a moment Spock could almost swear he hears Jim in the back of his mind, no specific words, just the push to listen to Nyota, to stop what he's doing…

The strong, logical part of Spock's mind doesn't understand how it can be possible. How can they possibly save Jim? He's dead! And yet, Nyota's there, and she's asking, begging him to stop. She's not the kind of woman to lie to him, she wasn't when they were involved in a relationship, and certainly not now. So he believes her, and knocks out Khan instead of killing him.

Dr. McCoy is waiting for them when they get back, unconscious Khan in tow. He gets to work right away, barking orders to everyone around him. Spock finds himself adrift and without quite realizing it he ends in a partitioned area of the medbay, standing just beside the cryotube where Captain Kirk lays. It's then that reality finally hits him: He's alive… and if McCoy manages to make things work, he'll be staying that way.

"Oh t'hy'la…" He murmurs in a barely audible voice, two fingers pressed to the glass, right over the blonde human's face. And how is he ever going to explain that to his captain? What he is to him… What they're supposed to be to each other…

Spock knows that Jim is not quite as promiscuous as most might believe, or as irresponsible when choosing those he has intercourse with; he certainly hasn't slept with every royal and diplomat's daughter in the planets they've visited since the Enterprise first set out the year before (he would know if he had). He certainly hasn't slept with anyone from their crew, quite aware of all the regulations he'd be breaking. And while he might flirt with Nyota every so often, it's clear that it's just a game to them, one that she enjoys as much as he does.

Nyota knows that Spock is attracted to their captain, though even she doesn't know how serious it is, he's managed to keep at least that much a secret. She does believe he should do something about it. Is convinced that the interest is mutual. That's one of the things that lead to their very uncomfortable conversation in the gnormian ship, when they were going after Khan (then known as Harrison); the other being her obvious (and understandable) anger at Spock's own actions while in Nibiru. Even if they might not be together anymore, he knows she does care about him. They are better off as friends than they ever were as lovers.

By the end of the day the serum is completed, Dr. McCoy carefully extracts Jim from the cryotube and connects him to something almost like an old hemodialysis machine, except this one is meant to not just filter his blood to try and get rid of as much of the radiation as possible, but also to inject the serum into it, which shall fully restore his blood, and through it the rest of his body. Or at least, that's what the doctor has theorized. He's been very careful with who is allowed anywhere near, just has one nurse with him; probably having reached the conclusion that it would not be the best idea for others to know what's going on with their captain, or the kind of 'experimental treatments' he's employing. Such information would be very dangerous in the wrong hands. And while it's true that a considerable amount of people were around to hear the Captain being pronounced dead, and the doctor's orders to retrieve Khan, they're members of the crew of the Enterprise and, as such, loyal to James T. Kirk above all else.

These are the men and women who requested, explicitly, to be able to serve under the man, in whatever capacity, right after the disaster with Nero. Each and every one of them, even when essentially given leave to choose whatever position they might desire, chose to be part of the Enterprise's crew, chose to follow Captain James T. Kirk, they will not betray him.

Dr. McCoy turns his attention to him only once. Staring straight at Spock for several seconds once the machine has finished filtering Jim's blood. Spock is waiting for the doctor to question him about his continued presence in the room, perhaps even to insist he depart, and already Spock is preparing a concise and (mostly) logical list of reasons why he should remain. But in the end it proves to be unnecessary, as the doctor says nothing, just shakes his head and walks away, muttering something unintelligible under his breath.

And so Spock remains where he is, in a corner of the room, waiting. He's not quite sure what he's waiting for exactly. For Jim to die? For Jim to live? He feels unmoored, thoughts going in every which way. He has no control over his own mind, and while usually that would feel like a great failing, in that moment he cannot bring himself to care. He can care about nothing other than James T. Kirk. So he stays where he is, standing, waiting, hoping… it's all he can do.

**xXx**

That night he dreams… dreams of the beginning.

It's not something that happens very often. For the most part vulcans do not dream. They cannot, as they never sleep deeply enough for it. But then again, as has been pointed out before, by all kinds of different individuals, for various reasons, he's not entirely vulcan, so perhaps dreaming is not that surprising in his case.

_He dreams of that day. Right after the loss of Vulcan, of his mother, of so many, many minds and bonds… On the bridge. That fateful confrontation…_

" _What is it like not to feel anger or heartbreak or the need to stop at nothing to avenge the death of the woman who gave birth to you?" It was Kirk saying those words, and he was just Kirk then, nothing more than an impudent, reckless, disrespectful whelp!_

" _Back away from me…" Spock demanded, though it was clear that the blonde wasn't listening._

" _You feel nothing!" Kirk pressed. "It must not even compute for you! You never loved her!"_

_Those words… they detonated something deep inside. Something dark and ugly, a fury similar to what he'd felt as a child, when his yearmates would call his mother a whore. Except it was also worse, because that anger connected so swiftly to the pain of the loss of her. So he fought, he punched, and pushed and half-strangled the blonde human against the nearest console. His father called to him but Spock wasn't listening, he could hear nothing through the pounding of his blood… and then a voice, one he could swear he heard with something other than his ears:_

_*SPOCK!*_

" _I am no longer fit for duty. I hereby relinquish my command, based on the fact that I have been emotionally compromised…"_

" _I never did apologize for that, did I?"_

_Spock blinks, and something bizarre happens, as he's left watching himself walk out of the bridge, while Kirk sits on the captain's chair, Sulu's voice in the background informing the crew how Pike made him first officer, which enabled him to be made acting captain, once Spock had stepped down. Yet that's not the strangest part, no, that can be applied to the second Jim Kirk, dressed in command gold rather than regulation blacks, that is suddenly standing beside him, on one side of the bridge. Spock blinks again, and decides to just go with it._

" _No apology was necessary…" Spock starts. "You attempted…"_

" _Yes, it was." Jim retorts. "Clearly it was, and still is. You might have never wanted it. And even now you might not be willing to forgive me, but that doesn't exempt me from owing you one hell of an apology Spock."_

_Spock doesn't quite know what to say to that._

" _I am sorry." Jim states strongly but quietly. "For the things I said that day on the bridge, and for not insisting on apologizing, on explaining things to you before." He exhales. "All those things I said that day. I never believed any of them. I need you to know that."_

_That does make Spock react, as he turns to look at Jim, he cannot quiet conceal the disbelief on his expression, even as his concentration slips enough that the people around them vanish, though the bridge remains._

" _Of course you loved your mother Spock!" Jim states, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "How could you not?"_

" _How can you know that?" Spock demands. "And how could she? I never told her."_

" _There are a thousand ways of expressing love most don't even need those words, or any word for that matter, to be spoken." Jim murmurs quietly, gently. "I knew it the moment I saw your eyes, on that transporter pad…" He doesn't clarify the exact moment, there's no need. "And even before that. When you chose to go down there, even as the whole planet fell to pieces. I knew it wasn't about the Vulcan Elders… or at least not just about them." He exhales. "In any case, I am very, very sorry about what I said. I need you to know that I only did it because I knew it was the fastest way to get you to relinquish command."_

" _You wanted Captaincy." Spock nods._

" _Yes… no…" Jim runs a hand through his hear in exasperation. "It's not that simple. I didn't mind you being the captain." He snorts. "When we first returned to Earth, after Nero. And once Pike's promotion to Admiral was announced I was convinced that they'd give you the Enterprise. You were Pike's choice of second in command, and you deserved it. Who else could it be?"_

" _You."_

" _Yeah, that wasn't a consideration at the time. To be honest those first days all I could do was hope they wouldn't sack me or something. You will remember we never did finish my disciplinary hearing. Far as I knew I was still in hot water. Komack would have loved to kick me out…"_

" _I withdrew my complaint the day we returned to Earth."_

" _Really? I did not know that. Would have nice to know that…" He mutters a few things under his breath before focusing once more on Spock. "Did I ever tell you why I did it?"_

_Spock blinks, not for the first time wondering what's going on exactly. He's dreaming, he knows that with a fair degree of certainty, despite the fact that vulcans do not dream, he's half human so that might justify it. And yet, nothing could possibly justify the current exchange with his captain. There's no way…_

The beeping of his comm-unit wakes Spock up abruptly. It's an automatic notification that another of the crew who was injured during the confrontation with the Vengeance has passed away from their injuries. That makes eleven dead, with sixty-four still in medical, the captain included, a dozen of them with injuries serious enough they might yet claim their lives. There were more injured, to be expected under the circumstances, though the rest of them had only minor injuries and were allowed to go home without pending worries.

Spock decides to go to medical to see to the paperwork of the deceased ensign. He will be able to visit Jim while there. He hasn't forgotten the rather strange dream, but decides to push it aside, pondering on it will not help him. Jim's not with him but laying on a bed, in medical, unconscious, he needs to remember that.

**xXx**

_This time he finds himself in the auditorium in Starfleet HQ. Also unlike the previous time, he doesn't find himself reliving the events of that day, Jim's disciplinary hearing. Instead he's watching it happen, as if from an outsider's perspective:_

" _I don't believe in no-win scenarios." Kirk stated, in a tone that was more than rebellion, it lacked the intensity of someone being defensive of their excuses, their reasons, but instead h_ _a_ _d the_ _serenity_ _of a belief held at his very core…_

" _Then, not only did you violate the rules, you also failed to understand the principle lesson." The past version of Spock declared in a completely emotionless tone._

" _Please, enlighten me." Kirk stated, in a tone that didn't sound quite like a request._

" _You of all people should know, Cadet Kirk. A captain cannot cheat death."_

" _I of all people."_

" _Your father, Lieutenant George Kirk, assumed command of his vessel before being killed in action, did he not?"_

" _That was a low blow, you know?"_

 _Spock's not even surprised to suddenly find Jim standing beside him. Observing their younger selves' with a dispassionate gaze. Like there's nothing_ _special_ _there, or like he's already revisited the old memory so many times it holds nothing new._

" _I don't think you like the fact that I beat your test." The Kirk in a cadet's uniform retorted, and finally there was a defensiveness in his tone._

" _Furthermore, you have failed to divine the purpose of the test." The old Spock went on, devoid of a single expression or emotion._

" _Enlighten me again." Kirk replied, fighting so hard to keep things polite._

" _The purpose is to experience fear." The old Spock stated. "Fear in the face of certain death. To accept that fear, and maintain control of oneself and one's crew. This is a quality expected in every Starfleet captain."_

_As the aide interrupts to deliver news to Admiral Barnett and the man stands to make an official announcement about the emergency call from Vulcan the whole scene seems to blur. Neither Jim nor Spock pay it any attention, focusing instead on each other._

" _I never did tell you why I did it, did I?" Jim comments almost offhandedly._

" _You don't believe in no-win scenarios." Spock answers, and it almost sounds practiced._

" _No, I don't." Jim agrees. "The problem Spock, is with your definition of a no-win scenario. You believe that my father lost because he died."_

" _You disagree." It's only in that very moment that he realizes that, and cannot tell why it didn't occur to him before._

" _I do." Jim nods. "My father was only a captain for twelve minutes, in those he managed to save eight hundred lives… Yes, he died. We're all aware of that. But for a Captain nothing will ever be more important than his crew, and he managed to save them. Even if it cost him his life, I have no doubt, because I'd have done exactly the same."_

_And he did… the words hung heavy in the air, even though neither of them dare pronounce them. There's no need, for just like that they're right there. Only Spock realizes he's not an outsider this time, but inside the memory itself, as if living it all over again:_

" _How's our ship?" The captain asked._

_His voice was quiet, breathy, and he looked exhausted (not weak, Spock refuses to ever think of his captain, of Jim, as weak)._

" _Out of danger." Spock's reply was half-absent, his mind working a mile a minute, trying to find some way of opening the door, of getting to his captain. It wasn't that he hadn't heard Mr. Scott regarding why that was a bad idea, just that in that moment he couldn't bring himself to care about such details (nevermind that the radiation would have killed him too)._

" _Good." The captain answered breathily._

" _You saved the crew." Spock stated._

" _You used what he wanted against him. That's a nice move." His pride in his Commander's actions was almost tangible._

" _It is what you would have done." Spock pointed out._

" _And this… this is what you would have done. It was only logical."_

_It was, they both knew it, though that didn't make Spock hate it any less. And for the first time, Spock's instinctive reaction to a thought of that kind wasn't to tell himself that such a thing couldn't actually be true, because hate was a feeling and he didn't feel. He did feel, very deeply. He felt hate, and grief, and desperation and… love._

" _I'm scared Spock." His captain admitted, something that seemed to take all he had. "Help me not be. How do you choose not to feel?"_

" _I do not know." The Commander admitted, and it cost him (oh how it cost him...) "Right now, I am failing." A tear fell slowly down his cheek, and he didn't even try to stop it or brush it off, if anyone deserved his tears it was Jim…_

" _I want you to know why I couldn't let you die…why I went back for you."_

" _Because you are my friend." Spock said almost automatically._

_When his captain pressed his hand against the glass, Spock did the same almost instinctively. Wishing more than anything that he could get through the glass. That he could touch his captain, his Jim… that their hands could embrace, just for a moment…_

_He couldn't help but recriminate himself. Why had it taken him so long? Why was it that he couldn't bring himself to admit how much he cared about his captain, how dear Jim was to him, before he lay before him, dying? And even as he did, he still wasn't being completely honest, calling Jim a friend when he was so much more…_

_Spock remains there, crouched, waiting for the moment where a hand will slide down and the light in Jim's blue eyes will dim, except it doesn't happen. And instead Jim's eyes seem to almost get brighter, his expression sharper, as he stares straight into Spock's own._

" _You know… you know you're more than just my friend, right?" Jim asks him directly._

" _I know." Spock replies, for the first time without stopping to think about it. "T'hy'la…"_

**xXx**

*God… I look like shit.*

Spock freezes for exactly 2.34 seconds when he hears the well-known voice say those words as he stands inside the private room in medical, where James T. Kirk is laying in bed in a coma. He's in a coma, unconscious, which means there's no possible way for Spock to be hearing his voice in that moment…

*You know there's no point in ignoring me, Mr. Spock.* Jim points out. *I can be extremely persistent when I want to.*

Spock knows (the Kobayashi Maru comes to mind).

*How is this even possible anyway?* Jim asked next. *I mean, if I'm… over there, how am I also… here? Wherever the hell 'here' is.*

It's impossible, absolutely illogical, Spock knows there's just no way…

*Spock!* Jim's cry interrupts his mental freak-out. *No need to lose it on my account. I'd ask, is this even real? But just thinking about it reminds me of this old phrase: 'I think, therefore I am', not sure if it applies to this case exactly, but anyway. The idea remains that, supposedly, if I have the thought to wonder at my own existence that means, in some way, that I must exist… I think. Philosophy has never been my strong suit.*

Spock says nothing, he just remains standing where he is, watching his captain's comatose body. Jim's voice rings in the back of his head a few more times but Spock ignores him, every so often telling himself that he's not actually hearing anything (even though he knows he is).

*You know, I'm not even going to take offense.* Jim says eventually, with a sigh. *No offense where none is taken and all that… I've a feeling you just aren't ready to admit what's going on… whatever it might be.*

Eventually Dr. McCoy arrives and Jim (or Spock's mind, or whatever) shuts up to listen to what he has to stay. It seems that things are quite good. The serum worked even better than expected. Jim's body hasn't just healed from the damage the radiation caused, but it's actually healthier than its been in years. This is particularly obvious in the state of his kidneys…

*Guess it's time to cut down on the drinking then…* Jim mutters quietly.

"… which means that if I can get him to cut down his drinking the brat might just live to see sixty!" McCoy exclaims right then. "That is, of course, as long as the idiot doesn't get himself killed again doing something utterly stupid…"

*Hey!* Jim cries out sharply.

Spock reacts at the same time, head whipping up sharply as he glares at the doctor, thought thankfully he's so focused on his chart that he doesn't notice.

"Doctor, might I remind you that the captain's current condition stems from him working to save the ship, and everyone on it, ourselves included." Spock pointed out, barely managing to keep his tone fully neutral.

"Yeah yeah, doesn't mean it wasn't stupid." McCoy retorts.

*Can't exactly disagree with that one.* Jim mentally shrugs.

Spock says nothing. He might refuse to admit it, but he too agrees with the doctor's assessment of his captain's actions. In the back of his mind Jim says nothing.

**xXx**

_They were inside an elevator, in the Daystrom building on their way to the emergency meeting following the blow-up of the Kelvin Archive in London._

" _I'm not captain." Kirk stated in a forced even tone. "I saved your life, Spock. You wrote a report, I lost my ship."_

_It was clear Spock was having trouble understanding how those events correlated exactly. Though Kirk didn't see the confusion, his eyes to the front as he stepped out of the elevator and began walking down the hallway._

" _Commander, I see now I should have alerted you to the fact that I submitted the report." Spock tried to understand where he'd gone wrong exactly._

" _Well, I'm familiar with your compulsion to follow the rules, but you see, I can't do that." Kirk finally turned his attention to his former subordinate, it didn't make things better. "Where I come from, if someone saves your life you don't stab him in the back."_

" _Vulcans cannot not lie." The response was automatic, emotionless, though inside Spock's head was spinning as he tried to come to terms with what his Cap… former Captain just said._

" _Then I'm talking to the half-human part of you, alright?" That was even more of a low blow, but the blonde didn't seem to notice. "Do you Understand why I went back for you?"_

" _Commander, Spock?" Their exchange was interrupted as Spock's new captain arrived. "Frank Abbott, USS Bradbury. Guess you're with me."_

" _Yes, Captain."_

_It took everything in Kirk not to admit to the stab of pain hearing those words from Spock's mouth, directed to someone, anyone other than him, caused him. Though at least they allowed him to say one more thing, completely honest:_

" _The truth is, I'm gonna miss you."_

_Kirk seemed to be waiting for some kind of response, but Spock said nothing. Truth was, Spock didn't understand, just a moment before Kirk had been accusing him of betraying him, something Spock would never, ever, do. And now to talk about missing him… Spock knew humans could be confusing, and his cap… former captain specialized in doing the least expected at all times, but he just didn't understand…_

" _It seems that there's yet something else I should be apologizing for."_

_Spock doesn't seem particularly surprised when Jim is suddenly beside him, the two of them left to watch their departing doubles._

" _Apologies are unnecessary…" Spock begins._

" _No, they aren't." Jim cuts him off. "I hurt you! And I was so entrenched in my own misery I didn't realize it."_

" _You expressed what you believed to be true." Spock states._

" _Then I was being stupid as well! You'd never betray me!"_

" _No, I would not."_

" _Wanna know the real reason why I didn't tell the truth in that report? It wasn't because I was afraid that… well, that what did happen, would. It was never about being demoted, or losing the ship, or anything like that. Not about arrogance either. It's not that I think rules shouldn't apply to me… more like I think that stupid rules shouldn't apply to anyone." He shakes his head, that's not the important part. "No… it… I didn't want to disappoint Pike. He was the first person to ever believe, truly believe in me. Even when I had nothing, when I was nothing, he believed I was worth something, that I could one day deserve to be a starship captain. And I tried so hard to make sure he'd never regret that belief, never regret convincing me to enroll in Starfleet… I think I forgot what was truly important."_

_Spock turns to look at him, waiting for clarification, probably._

" _The people." Jim adds. "Like the crew… like Bones… like you." He exhales. "In the end I did disappoint Pike. So much… and even then he didn't give up on me. He managed to convince Marcus to demote me, rather than send me back to the Academy entirely."_

_Spock's eyes widened, he hadn't known that was ever a possibility._

" _I disappointed you too, didn't I?" The blonde didn't actually wait for a response. "I am so sorry Spock! And don't tell me apologies are illogical just… just let me apologize, you deserve it. I'm sorry I hurt you. But I'm not sorry I saved you. I'm not sorry I broke the Prime Directive to save you. Don't ask me to be sorry about that."_

" _Negative. I never found fault with your choice to intervene to save my life Jim… I know you, it is in your nature to fight to save everyone. I never faulted you for that."_

" _No, only for lying about it." Jim groans. "That was the real problem, wasn't it? That I broke the rules to save your life, and then I wouldn't own up to it. Making it seem almost like… like I regretted doing it." His eyes widen a lot. "That was never it! You know that, right?"_

" _Affirmative."_

_Jim exhales. For several seconds neither of them says a thing, until eventually Jim clears his throat nervously, unnecessarily, before speaking up again:_

" _Are we ever going to talk about it?" He asks._

" _I would need to know what is is you desire to speak about Jim?" Spock replies evenly._

" _Yeah no, don't try that bullshit on me." Jim finally turns to face him directly. "You know precisely what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the fact that you're… you're dreaming or something and I'm here. We're in your head! And… and I'm dead, or half-dead or something. And how the fuck am I here?!"_

" _I assure you profanity is entirely unnecessary…"_

" _Spock!"_

" _I fail to comprehend this phenomenon."_

" _So you've no idea what the fuck's going on! Awesome…"_

_The change happened abruptly, so fast neither of them were expecting it. Suddenly they were no longer in the hallway of the Daystrom building, but instead once again on the bridge of the Enterprise. And not just that. But on the day of the Nero-disaster. Jim hissed as he suddenly felt pain, deep, sharp, all-encompassing pain… so bad he could barely think…_

_A few feet from them Kirk was struggling against an enraged Spock before ending on his back on the Helmsman console, Spock's hand around his neck. Sarek was behind them, calling to him, yet it was like Spock couldn't hear him._

" _Wait," Jim (the one beside present Spock), called. "If you couldn't hear him then how…"_

" _SPOCK!"_

_The name rang loud, powerful, echoing all around them, in Jim's own voice…_

" _What…?!" Jim almost falls in shock, then he does fall when just a moment later the pervading pain vanishes abruptly. "What the hell was that?!"_

_But Spock doesn't answer him, he's still staring at the scene before them. Frozen in the exact moment when Spock stopped throttling the blonde human, but before he actually stopped touching him…_

" _T'hyla…"_

_The word echoes around them, in a thousand voices, and at the same time, no voice at all. Almost more like a feeling than an actual word._

" _Wait, I've heard that before." Jim calls unexpectedly. "Or felt it, whatever."_

_That makes Spock react, as he turns his whole attention to Jim. He doesn't get to ask the question, there's no need, Jim still responds unexpectedly._

_The Enterprise vanishes from around them, to be replaced by a snowy cave in Delta Vega, an old Vulcan standing before them…_

" _I have been, and always shall be, your friend." The memory of the alternate Spock echoed._

" _T'hy'la…" The word rings yet again._

_The next few seconds were cut off and instead they were left watching the Elder Spock and a slightly younger version of Kirk standing before each other. And then when the half-Vulcan went to touch Jim's face…_

" _He melded with you?!" Spock half-snarls._

" _I… yes?" Jim doesn't understand what the problem is, exactly._

" _That was unconscionably dangerous. Particularly following the destruction of Vulcan." Spock explains. "You wanted to know what that sharp pain you experienced during the last memory was. It was the pain of lost bonds. T'Pau, my father and I are all that remains of our clan. All others were lost on the day of Va'Pak. That pain was caused by the abrupt severance of all the familial bonds I possessed."_

" _But… that much pain… I could barely think!" Jim explains._

" _Affirmative." Spock nods._

" _You were in pain! And I made it worse! Why the hell did you… the other you didn't tell me this, and instead just told me to force you to show you were emotionally compromised?!"_

" _The Elder did what was necessary to expedite results. It was necessary."_

" _But it wasn't right."_

" _You have apologized already Jim."_

" _But not enough, never enough."_

" _It is in the past. And I believe there are other matters that require our focus at this time."_

_The memory in the background began running once again, as if someone had just pressed play on a holovid:_

" _Our minds." Elder Spock said as he pressed his fingers to specific points on the younger Kirk's face. "One and together."_

" _T'hy'la…" There's that word again._

_A moment later they're away from the snowy cave, but this time they don't end up anywhere specific, just seem to be standing in the middle of nowhere._

" _You know what happened." Jim says, more a statement than a question, he can almost sense Spock's mind working out the pieces of the puzzle, making them fit together one by one._

" _I believe I do." Spock agrees. "You are not psi-null…" He makes a pause, processing the blonde's lack of surprise. "You were aware of this fact already."_

" _I knew, yes." Jim nods. "I'm not anything special, really. Just… sensitive, you could say. How did you know?"_

" _Your awareness in this shared mindscape." Spock explains. "As well as your ability to manipulate it. To both contribute your own memories, as well as your perspective of my own. A psi-null individual would not be capable of such feats."_

" _Okay, that explains that part at least, but not how I am… here…" Jim points out._

" _There are only two ways for the wound caused by the violent loss of bonds to be healed." Spock explains quietly. "Through the mediation of a mind-healer, who might be able to 'cauterize' for lack of a better word, the wound in the Vulcan's psyche. Or through the formation of a new bond, one that might prove to be stronger than the bonds lost."_

_Jim's eyes narrow as he connects the dots. He doesn't need Spock to say anymore, he can feel what isn't being said…_

" _We're bonded, that's what you're saying." The blonde murmurs._

" _That is correct." Spock agrees._

" _How long have you known?"_

" _2 days, fourteen hours to the moment when I went to sleep."_

" _Wait, wait… I might be losing time with this whole not-being-in-my-body thing, but isn't that when… when I d… almost died?"_

" _Affirmative…" Spock's dark eyes are staring at Jim as he speaks. "I could feel it, felt a bond I had not known existed as it stretched and frayed and all but snapped. The pain was simply… unbearable. The loss of my mother, the loss of so many vulcan minds was crippling. The reason I could recover so promptly was thanks, I now believe, to you Jim. To the bond that formed between us. I would not have survived the loss of you."_

" _Oh Spock…"_

" _T'hy'la…"_

_Spock's next actions are instinctive, as he crosses his hands at the wrists, palms open facing Jim, who has no idea what's going on exactly but still mimics the gesture immediately. The moment their hands touch… it's electric. There's so much pain, and grief, and doubt, and fear, and relief, and hope, and above all… love… so much love…_

"Jim…" It's the first word to cross Spock's lips when he wakes up the following morning.

*I'm here t'hy'la.* The human whispers in the back of his mind. *I'm not leaving you, not ever. I promise you.*

The smallest, most beautiful smile appears on Spock's face, just for a moment, and then he goes back to his usual neutral expression and gets out of bed. Time to start a new day.

**xXx**

Spock spends less time in Medical in the following days, which Bones takes to mean that the 'green-blooded hobgoblin' has finally recovered from whatever psychotic break he had when Jim 'temporarily died'… or maybe he doesn't care that much after all. He cannot possibly know that while Jim's body lays recovering in the private room in the secure wing of Starfleet Medical, his mind is safely ensconced inside Spock's own. Because they're bonded, because they've been bonded since the 'bridge incident' that no one talks about and most like to pretend never happened in the first place (that Jim made sure the Admiralty would never be able to find proof about); and now they finally know it. They've acknowledged that they're bonded and what it means, not just in the short term, but in the long. They're bonded, and that's forever.

In fact, Jim's fairly certain that the only reason he's not actually dead is because of that bond. Though that is one thing they haven't talked about yet… there's a lot of things they haven't talked about yet. Though they are, slowly, getting there.

Spock's still dreaming. And Jim's taken to stepping into those dreams, especially when they're nightmares, or liable to turn into such. Doing his best to help Spock process. They end up talking about the loss of Amanda, and of Vulcan, as well as about Spock's choice to maroon Jim when the blonde pressed about them going after Nero.

They talk very briefly about Spock's relationship with Nyota, and the reasons why it came to an end. Mainly two, very different one from the other: first there was Nyota's anger at Spock, that he was going to resign his commission, to leave, and he didn't so much as talk to her about it; he didn't talk to her about leaving or, after his talk with the alternate version of himself, about staying and taking the position of First Officer of the Enterprise. Then there was the fact that Nyota considered herself a very private person, she'd nothing against his touch-telepathy, and was willing to mind-meld with him every so often, but a permanent bond… she wasn't sure she could handle someone having access to her thoughts all the time. Also, and while Spock never voiced it, while he didn't doubt her strength, he wasn't sure how she'd have reacted when faced with his Time. Jim never tells Spock that it was the right or the wrong thing to do. He respects that it was their relationship, the decisions were theirs to make. He does express his gladness that Spock chose to stay in the end though (and one day, in the not-so-distant future, Jim will reassure Spock that he has no problem with their bond, and while he might not know everything about pon farr, he remembers just enough from Elder Spock's memories, and he knows that however hard it might be, they'll get through it).

They eventually also talk about more recent happenings, all the things they've done wrong and right in the year since the Enterprise has been out and about with them in charge.

Spock's the first person Jim confesses his insecurities to, how he sometimes isn't sure he's good enough at his job, that he truly deserves to be the captain. How his arrogant charade is just that, a charade, an act meant to hide all his worry, nervousness and self-doubt.

Exactly a week after what's come to be known as the 'Vengeance Incident' Admiral Pike's funeral service finally takes place. Spock dislikes the fact that the Admiralty wouldn't wait for Jim to wake up.

*They don't know we're close.* Jim explains as Spock makes his way to the courtyard where the very formal, very pompous service is taking place. *God, Chris would have hated this…*

Spock stays in the back for the whole service. Listening to several Admirals and Captains talk about not just Chris, but several other high ranking Starfleet officers who died that day in Daystrom. The service isn't about everyone, just about the highest ranking ones (which probably explains why it's so pretentious).

Spock waits until the service is over and everyone else has left to cross the courtyard and stand before the marker that corresponds to Admiral C. Pike. He runs a single finger over the marble, his mind conjuring the memory of that instant in Daystrom, when he melded with Chris, just instants before he died. Beyond all the pain, the fear, the loneliness… there was one thing he didn't tell Jim about before:

" _Spock… look after Jim, please… he's… son…" Was the last thought in Chris's mind._

Spock can feel the profound grief that comes from Jim as he hears those words (upon his next visit to medical he'll overhear McCoy making a comment about how Jim shed a few tears while unconscious for reasons unknown… or at least unknown to them).

*Tushah nash-veh k'dular (I grieve with thee), a… t'hy'la.* Spock murmurs mentally.

*It's not your fault Spock.* He's even finally accepted that it wasn't his fault either. The whole mess is on Marcus from beginning to end; even Khan, much as he might have been the one shooting, he was little more than a weapon in the end.

It's a conclusion Jim reached, yet Spock still has trouble accepting, though Jim believes his logic is sound: Khan himself told them, he was enhanced in every possible way (he didn't use those words but the point remains). It wasn't just about the physical, his mind too. It's how he could react faster, make plans and tactics seemingly on the fly. James is one of the best tacticians in the history of Starfleet Academy, capable of coming up with insane plans in moments, and managing to make them work, and Khan surpassed him. Jim believes that they also, either intentionally or as some sort of side-effect, altered the way Khan connects with people. So, aside from everything else that he does 'better', he also 'feels' more, to a level that he cannot control (much like how his Vulcan bondmate went into a psychotic rage after watching Jim 'die').

*That doesn't excuse what he has done.* Spock says, having followed Jim's line of thought.

*No, it doesn't, but it does explain it, somewhat.* Jim shrugs mentally. *Marcus made him believe he'd killed his whole crew, his family. So Khan thought of the best possible way to avenge them, by killing Marcus, and destroying 'his organization'. And even after learning they were, in fact, still alive, Marcus had to die in order to ensure they'd never be at risk again. Khan has such a one track mind that it never occurred to him that innocents might end up in his crosshairs in the process, people who might be someone else's crew… Or it just was never his priority. We must not forget that he was essentially a general, created and trained for war. People saw things differently then, 'acceptable losses' and 'collateral damage' and all that… Not saying I agree just… he doesn't see the world the way we do.*

Spock still doesn't fully agree. But he knows that it helps Jim deal with things, so he says nothing about it. It's not like it matters, in the end.

(It will matter, eventually. When Spock is made to lead the team who'll supervise Khan's return into cryo, it'll be his idea to have the rest of the cryotubes already in the room when the augment is escorted in, supposedly for practical purposes. This will allow Khan to see the tubes, to see his crew, his family, still alive, still asleep. It will be the last thing Khan sees before being put under.)

*Did I ever tell you how Chris and I met?* Jim asks unexpectedly.

*No t'hy'la.* Spock replies, very interested.

Anything new he might learn about his telsu (bonded) interests him.

*I assume you read my file prior to my little disciplinary hearing.* Jim begins. *However, you must know that some things aren't in my file. Some for security reasons, others because I ensured no one would ever know about them. One of them concerns the fact that I spent several years in the planet of the damned… which is what I call Tarsus IV. I was there for the plague, the famine and… everything else that followed.*

Spock freezes at that revelation. He knows the kind of things, of tragedy, depravity… the kind of horrible things that took place in Tarsus IV. Not the whole of it, because everything concerning the last few months of the existence of the colony in Tarsus IV is in files so tightly sealed that only Captains and above can access it, and even then it's on a 'need to know' basis.

*I… don't really like to talk about it.* Jim admits.

*You don't have to talk about it a… t'hy'la.* Spock assures him.

*Maybe someday just… not now.* Jim goes on. *The only reason I even mentioned it is because of the people who saved us. Things were so bad, so hopeless, we all thought it'd be at least a month longer before Starfleet showed up, and by then it'd be too late already. And then the USS Yorktown arrived… with its brand new captain: Christopher Pike…*

The memories play in the back of Spock's mind, making him thankful that he chose to sit on a bench underneath a tree, allowing him to focus his attention inwardly. The memories come more like snapshots than actual scenes, but it's enough. He can see a teen-aged Jim, covered in dirt, grime and even blood, bruised up and yet still standing strong, protective before a group of small, malnourished, terrified, children. It seems to take forever for him to let anyone from Starfleet anywhere close, but when he does the rest follow his lead. They trust him that much.

*It was actually Number One.* Jim explains. *She was the first to look us in the eyes and treat us like adults. She did not step as if on eggshells around us. Did not try to pretend that, after everything that happened to us, we were still children. I mean, I tried to protect the kids as much as I could, but we, none of us, were truly children by the end.* He shakes his head. *At least we were alive. I suppose that's something.*

*I'm grateful for that t'hy'la.* Spock assures him.

*So, we trusted Number One, and in turn she convinced us to trust Chris. They got us back to Earth, and then came another complication. Because while eventually we managed to find family members that could take in Kev, Tom and the others, there was no one that could take me in.*

It's until then that something very important occurs to Spock: Jim's family. In the past few days he's handled condolence letters for the families of the crew-members that perished during the Vengeance debacle (thankfully the numbers didn't go up, and most of the injured ones are already out of medical). But what about Jim's family? Granted, there were no letters necessary, but shouldn't they know that Jim's in medical, recovering, at the very least? Considering that the 'Vengeance Incident' is all over the holonet, and that the Admiralty aren't even trying to hide that the Enterprise was involved… Sarek sought to communicate with him immediately, as did Nyota's sisters, and he knows that even the doctor received a call from his child. So what about Jim's family?

*It'd be hard, considering that for that to matter they'd have to be aware of my existence, or of the real world at all, really.* Jim, who's clearly followed Spock's line of thought, states.

*Ash… T'hy'la…?* Spock doesn't understand.

*The reason I was in Tarsus IV in the first place, is because I was sent to live with my aunt and uncle after it was determined that Winona wasn't able to look after herself, much less me.* Jim explains. *She… I don't think she ever truly recovered after dad died. She was… I guess calling it denial wouldn't be far from it. For many years. She left us with Frank, dad's brother, and returned to Starfleet as soon as she could. I suppose she felt closer to dad when she could be among the stars… Frank was strict. Very old-school, some would call it. Sam hated it, hated him, he ran away when he was sixteen, I was twelve. Then I did… well, something pretty stupid. Not even sure what I was trying to achieve exactly…*

Spock lets out a mental expletive when the image of a young Jim behind the wheel of an antique car, driving it off the edge of a cliff, runs through his mind.

*No, I wasn't trying to kill myself.* He doesn't think. *Frank was furious. He called Winona, told her he couldn't deal with the 'little bastard' anymore. Winona was back on Earth by the end of the week. I didn't know it then, but apparently her superiors had been looking for a reason to send her away for a while. Many of them were sure she was mentally unstable but no one would say a thing. Not sure if it was because of my father, or some other reason. In any case, Frank's refusal to watch over me anymore worked for them. She was honorably discharged from service and soon had a new job at the Shipyard right there in Riverside. At first I thought everything was going to be perfect. A dream come true… it was a stupid thought to have.* His thoughts turn self-deprecating. *The dream lasted a few years. Then we got the call. Sam was dead. From what they were able to tell us, he managed to make it all the way to the Deneva colony, where he met some girl, fell crazily in love, they married. He got a job in the labs there, was working as an assistant or something and some experiment went very wrong. Both of them died. That was when Winona went off the deep end. Apparently Sam running away was just fine to her. She could tell herself he was just living elsewhere or something. But learning he was dead… she couldn't handle it. She had to be institutionalized for a while. And even when she could get out and be okay with some medications, Child Services decided she just wasn't capable of looking after a child. So I got carted off to my aunt and uncle in Tarsus IV. They died in the planet of the damned…*

*So Admiral Pike took you in.* Spock assumes.

*Briefly.* Jim nods. *I was sixteen by then. I could and did apply for emancipation. It was more convenient all around, it allowed me to make my own choices. Anyway, while the last few months in Tarsus were absolute hell, truth is that it wasn't all so bad, before the famine I mean. While they limited technology, which ended being a huge problem by the way, and one of the reasons why most of the Federation still don't know how bad things were… they had a very good education program. My grades were great. So much that when Chris convinced me to apply to several college programs I got some positive replies. Berkeley was even offering me a full ride in their Engineering Program. I also had an invitation to enter Starfleet Academy, though I had my doubts, as I was unsure if they were making the offer really for me, because I deserved it, or just because I am George Kirk's son…*

Spock has no doubt that Jim deserved it. He's seen the transcript of his grades (even if he didn't known he finished his education in Tarsus). He also knows Jim went into Starfleet until he was 22 and he never went to Berkeley… His college degree was from UF Iowa…

*In the end I did neither.* Jim goes on. *I got a call from Dr. Hills, who was apparently Winona's new psychiatrist. Turns out Dr. Weston, her old doctor, had just died, and either he was really sick for a few years and refused to accept it, or he was criminally negligent, probably both. Winona was in a bad way, and she needed to either be institutionalized, or have someone take charge of her. I couldn't just leave her hanging, what kind of son would I be if I did that? So in the end I said goodbye to Chris and One, took the scholarship UF Iowa offered and went home to look after my mother as best I could. It was… well, there were good days, and bad days. Sometimes I believe it was worth it, that my choice kept her half-sane longer, others I just think I was postponing the inevitable.* He shakes his head. *When I was twenty she just… she refused to go on. She said she didn't like reality, she preferred to live in her fantasy world. Even with the medication, she wanted so much to exist in a different reality that she just… I lost her.*

*It wasn't your fault a… Jim.* Spock tells him.

*Maybe not.* Jim shrugs. *Though I refused to see that for a long time. Instead I got angry. At her doctor for not giving her something that would truly help her, at her for not wanting to be part of the real world, at myself for not being enough to make her want to be truly here… It was a bad couple of years. And then Chris found me one night in a bar…*

Spock can see flashes of the memory in the back of his mind: The bar, several cadets getting inebriated, Nyota was there, drinking with her friends. Jim flirting with her, and her being nasty to him (which, justified, as he was half drunk at the time and besides, Jim's fairly certain the other cadets had been harassing her for a while by that point). And then when the fight breaks out, it seems to really be getting out of control until Pike breaks it up. That part of the memory though is more than just flashes, it plays in full, crystal clear (it's about then that Spock realizes Jim has almost as good memory as him):

" _For my dissertation, I was assigned the USS Kelvin." Pike told him. "Something I admired about your dad, he didn't believe in no-win scenarios."_

" _Sure learned his lesson." Kirk replied, morosely._

" _Well, it depends on how you define winning. You're here, aren't ya?" Pike pointed out._

_Spock's surprised to realize that it was Pike who taught Jim to not believe in no-win scenarios, and more than that, to see his father's actions as a win and not a lose._

" _Thanks." Jim said._

" _You know, that instinct to leap without looking, that was his nature too, and in my opinion, it's something Starfleet's lost." Pike went on._

" _Why are you talking to me, man?" After years without even e-mails he'd been so sure Pike would have given up on him, it's not like Jim ever gave him a reason to stick around._

" _'Cause I looked up your file while you were drooling on the floor. Your aptitude tests are off the charts, so what is it? You like being the only genius-level repeat offender in the midwest?" Pike pressed, trying to get some kind of reaction out of him._

_He didn't mention the summer they spent together, or what Jim gave up back then, and neither did the blonde._

" _Maybe I love it." Kirk retorted._

" _Look, so your dad dies." Pike insisted. "You can settle for less than an ordinary life. Or do you feel like you were meant for something better? Something special? Enlist in Starfleet."_

" _Enli…" Kirk broke off to laugh, almost hysterical. "You guys must be way down in your recruiting quota for the month."_

" _If you're half the man your father was Jim, Starfleet could use you. You could be an officer in four years. You could have your own ship in eight. You understand what the Federation is, don't you? It's important. It's a peacekeeping and humanitarian armada."_

_It was clear there was so much more Pike wanted to say, but he didn't dare to. Almost to a side of the memory of the bar still playing Spock gets snippets of the several attempts at communication that took place through the years. As Pike tried to convince Jim to continue his education, to take Berkeley's offer, or Starfleet's, to not give up on himself… nothing ever worked. And the more he tried, the more hostile the exchanges got, until culminating on a video-call where Jim shouted a lot but said very little before cutting off communications entirely for almost a year. Until that day, in that bar._

" _We done?" Kirk asked in a bored tone._

" _I'm done." Pike nodded. "Riverside Shipyard. The shuttle for new recruits leaves tomorrow oh-eight hundred. You know, your father was Captain of a starship for twelve minutes. He saved eight hundred lives, including your mother's. And yours. I dare you to do better."_

Jim never could resist a challenge… And he did. He did do better. On his first mission alone he managed to save a whole planet!

*You were part of that too.* Jim reminds him. *I could've never done it without you Spock.*

*In any case, there was a point to our little trip down memory-lane.* The human states. *Winona is still alive, yes. No, she won't know about what happened to me. Truth is, there's no point in trying to tell her as it would mean nothing to her. She doesn't even remember I exist. She lives in a small community in Serenity, that colony in the Altair system? The whole colony is dedicated to people with mental issues. Some reside in an actual hospital, but the majority live in apartments or houses under basic supervision. I get monthly reports from her doctors. She's well-enough. Living mostly in a world inside her own head. She's convinced that she's still in her twenties, that some deep-space mission made her sick and made it necessary for her to retire, and my dad is finishing his contract and will be going to pick her up one day. And he'll take her with him and they'll have their happily ever after.* He sighs. *At least she's happy.*

She might be, but Jim isn't, and Spock wishes so much that there were something he could do to help… despite wishing not being something a Vulcan should do.

*Thank you anyway.* Jim says with a smile, small, but it's there. *Also, and while I might be sad for Chris's death, I do believe he's happier now, so that helps.*

*I fail to understand how death can promote one's happiness.* Unless they were suicidal, and Spock is fairly certain Pike wasn't.

*No, Chris wasn't suicidal, not really.* Jim sighs once again. *You do remember Number One was promoted to Captain of the Farragut, yes?*

*Affirmative, her promotion lead to Captain Pike officially requesting I accept the post of his First Officer.* Spock agrees.

*And then Nero happened.* Jim points out. *One died along with everyone else on the Farragut, and the other four ships that went to Vulcan and arrived before we did.*

*I am aware.* Of course he was, what Spock didn't get, was why that was so important.

*Chris and One… they were in love for as long as I knew them.* Jim explains wistfully. *Even though they never really showed it when in public, never made it official; even went as far as denying it when asked directly. They were together for years. The only reason they never married was because it's against Starfleet regulations for the two people in the same chain of command to be in a romantic relationship. Bunch of old bastards said that they wouldn't be able to do right by their crew and by Starfleet, that they'd put their spouse first. Absolutely ridiculous if you ask me, but that's why. They knew Starfleet would separate them, if them being together ever got out.* He shakes his head. *Of course it got out eventually. Some yeoman-bitch that tried to seduce Chris and when that failed she spied on them, until eventually finding something she could use against them. She got fired of course, but the damage was done already. I think they were planning on eloping and then fighting Starfleet to get tandem assignments, even if that meant one of them getting demoted. And then…*

And then Nero happened, and One died. And Chris spent the next year grieving the love of his life in private and acting like the best possible Admiral in public.

*It's another reason why we never told anyone we knew each other before, or that we're… were actually friends… family.* Jim adds quietly. *You must know, the Admiralty would have never allowed him to be our Admiral if they'd known.*

No, they wouldn't have.

*At least he and One are together now.* Jim says melancholically.

Spock says nothing to that comment. He's never been one to ascribe to any particular religious beliefs. He knows the Vulcan katra exists, but the human soul, and everything related to it (including the possibility of an afterlife) is such a strange concept to him. And yet… not so much anymore, is it? The soul must exist, to a degree, because Jim wouldn't be with him if it didn't. Which means… it means that his mother's soul existed as well, might still exist in some level, in some other dimension… that possibility, along with the chance that one day she and his father might be reunited, that even he might get to see her again one day, it brings a strange kind of contentment, of peace, that Spock has never experienced before.

Jim says nothing through it all, though Spock has no doubt that he can follow the line of thought easily. In the end the Vulcan-human hybrid can just feel the warmth of Jim's 'mental hug' as he's taken to calling them. It's enough.

**xXx**

"Are we just never gonna to talk about it?"

It's been several more days since the service for those that died in Daystrom. Spock has attended several debriefing sessions, Jim keeping quiet in the back of his head, sometimes because he's apparently not entirely aware, and others simply because he knows better than to do or say anything that might distract Spock. It's clear that the blonde is annoyed by just how many times they ask the same questions (and is already dreading when he gets his turn at being grilled by the 'Idiots that Be' as he calls most of the Admiralty… all but Archer and Barnett really, who are the only ones he can stand). But at least no one seems to be trying to blame any of them for Marcus's evil plan, or the mess Khan caused when he crashed the Vengeance in the bay.

The nights are spent in what's essentially become his (their?) mindscape: the backyard of Spock's old home in Vulcan, with the stone garden and his mother's beloved desert roses. It's a place that only exists in his and his father's memories anymore (and Jim's now as well). Spock was actually surprised the first time they appeared there and he realized they weren't in their usual Starfleet uniforms: He in a dark blue vulcan tunic; Jim in an off-white t-shirt, black-jeans, thick-soled boots and an old beat-up black-leather jacket (which belonged to his dad, the only thing of his Jim possessed, though he usually kept it in storage on Earth, not wanting to risk something happening to it while they're out in space). The latter was what truly surprised Spock the first time it happened, though he's since grown used to it, has come to like seeing Jim so at ease.

It's Jim who asks the question in that moment, as the two of them sit on a stone bench, with the sand and the roses around them.

"Asha… t'hy'la?" Spock's confused, what's brought this on?

"There, that's what I'm talking about." James stands up abruptly from the bench, taking several steps before turning around sharply and gesturing at Spock. "This isn't the first time you begin to say something, to call me something, and then you don't. Though this is the closest you've ever come to the actual word…"

Spock might be able to control his expression to the smallest detail, but they're in his mind, and he cannot hide from his bondmate, Jim can feel the echo of his surprise like a shockwave, and it makes him smile.

"I've also noticed that sometimes when you say, or think the word bondmate, it has a different connotation." Jim goes on. "It's about more than just this… this mind-bond we share. I know that, I can feel it… Ashaya…"

Spock sways back sharply, as if he's just been dealt a blow. Even then he doesn't say a word, waiting for Jim to say whatever he wants to say.

"Did you know I can speak almost three dozen languages?" Jim asks, seemingly apropos of nothing. "And I know that's not even 10% of the languages in the Federation, far from it in fact, but still, I try. I was Treasurer of the Academy's Xenolinguistics Club… and contrary to what some might say, it wasn't about the dates. I like languages, and I like learning… I like keeping busy, period." He shakes his head. "Anyway, among the languages I know are Klingon, because it's good for cursing in and because it's always a good idea to be able to know what any potential enemies might be saying; learned Romulan for the same reason, actually. I also know Orion, Andorian, Kolari, Tellaran, Ferengi, among others… including both Modern and High Vulcan." He pauses, just long enough for Spock to be able to process the meaning and implications of that, before saying in perfect, unaccented Vuhlkansu: "Taluk nash-veh k'dular (I cherish thee), ashayam (beloved)…"

And just in case words might not be enough, Jim takes a deep breath and then consciously lets go of the walls he's built around his feelings, letting Spock feel it all: his nervousness, his hesitation, his excitement, his fear, his doubt, his exhilaration, his desire, his hope… his love…

Spock stands from the bench instinctively, approaching Jim slowly but swiftly, like a predator, though he stops just before reaching the blonde. Jim for his part doesn't move from his spot. Just stands there, staring at the Vulcan, waiting…

"K'hat'n'dlawa (half of my heart and soul)…" Spock breathes out.

For a moment Jim cannot help but wonder if Spock is testing his statement that he knows Vulcan, including the ancient version. And Jim does, he knows exactly what Spock's saying, and he cannot quite believe it. Cannot believe that anyone would use such a word to refer to him, it's a term that fell out of favor after the Reformation for a reason… And then Spock does the last thing Jim would have ever expected: he cradles Jim's face between his hands and connects their lips in a very human kiss…

They never actually talk about it. There's no need. They love each other, and that's all that matters in the end.

**xXx**

*Do you think I'll remember… all this? When I finally wake up I mean?*

The question takes Spock completely by surprise, right as he steps into the private room in Medical where the body of James T. Kirk lays in a coma. In the two weeks that Jim's been in his head Spock has managed to get used to it, not just in the way that there's someone else in his head, but also on the fact that Jim is liable to make a comment about anything, at any given time. Also, since their little 'heart to heart' where the two of them finally managed to get past their nervousness and insecurities and were willing to put all their cards on the table, they haven't really shielded any part of them again. Jim's willing to let Spock see his insecurities, all the baggage he carries due to his fucked-up past, and the way those things keep affecting him, all the ways the James T. Kirk that most people know is a lie… Spock in turn has let Jim see him as well, all the ways he does feel, even if he's long since grown used to concealing it, all the ways his serenity is not just meant to help him, but everyone around (otherwise a lot more people would end up nerve-pinched, and while they'd be stupid people and Jim would actually like that… he also knows it wouldn't be good, politically speaking, so it's better if Spock really exercises that much control over himself; at least he's learning to let Jim in).

They even talked about Tarsus, directly, honestly, something Jim had once been so sure he'd never be able to do. It was only once, after something that was said during that day's debriefing session made it so that night Jim's brain conjured what he'll always consider the darkest days in his life. And Spock was there, to pull him out, to listen to the whole horrid tale when Jim blurted it all out, and to comfort him when it was all said and done. Kodos was a monster, believed himself a god in his little community, and because most of them had it so good they didn't realize what a monster he was until the plague hit… and then it was too late. Jim will never be able to forget the screams, the blood, the smell of all the dead… there's a reason why, to this day, he cannot stand the smell of cooking meat.

It's also their conversation that night, the revelation of just how Kodos chose who should live and who should die, that he was a believer in Eugenics, that makes Spock realize just how close to home the situation with Khan hit. Especially because Jim himself… he ended in the wrong list. He was supposed to be in the list of those to be saved, because he was a genius, and as a scientist himself Kodos wanted all the brightest minds to be saved; yet someone added his name to the list of those slanted for execution because of his endless list of allergies (the sick, the elderly, and those with medical conditions of some kind were the first to go on that dark list). The only reason Jim survived the massacre was his own genius, and the love of the woman who died to give him a chance, his Aunt Stacy…

Being connected like they are means that once they were both willing to acknowledge what's in their hearts (the fact that they're absolutely, and insanely in love with each other in a very 'till the last star falls out of the sky' way), there were no more doubts. They can feel each other's love, the fact that their very bond is created from a manifestation of that love. And while their fears and doubts aren't exactly irrelevant, they can be overcome: Spock now knows that Jim doesn't care if he won't engage in PDA (at least not in a human way, Spock doesn't know it yet, but he'll come to love sharing small vulcan kisses at every opportunity); Spock also understands that even if Jim might never say 'I love you', because he hates those words (they're the last thing his dad said to Winona and baby him before dying, and Sam to him before he ran away and never returned, his aunt to him before she and his uncle were killed in Tarsus, and Winona before she chose to get lost in her own mind and never come back out; in short, everyone who's said those words to him has left him, so he doesn't like those words), Jim does in fact love him, and expresses it in a variety of less traditional ways (from vulcan kisses, and mental hugs, and the use of certain words and endearments in a variety of languages, especially high-vulcan).

*I do not know.* Spock admits quietly after what seems like forever.

Spock always has hated not knowing something, but in this instance it's particularly aggravating, because the thought never occurred to him before. That once Jim was finally back in his body, his life, that he might forget the past couple of weeks. Everything they've talked, shared, all they've experienced… They're bonded, nothing will ever change that, but how will Spock ever explain that to him if Jim forgets?

They vaguely hear Bones muttering something under his breath before extracting some blood and leaving the room in a hurry.

*The doctor is worried about you t'hy'la.* Spock comments. *Two weeks have transpired and you have yet to awaken, that concerns him in both a personal and professional capacity.*

*I know, I know,* Jim mutters in the back of his head. *But I swear I've tried everything. I mean, how am I even supposed to know what to do? Willing myself there hasn't done much thus far. You've touched my hand… and it's not like we were even touching when we… when this happened in the first place!*

Jim senses something that he mentally calls the 'light-bulb moment', when an idea hits Spock.

*What, you wanna try the Sleeping Beauty method?* Jim asks cheekily.

*I am unaware what a story about a member of a royal household, who has a male force himself upon her while she sleeps and awakens to find herself in labor has anything to do with our current situation, t'hy'la.* Spock states in a perfectly even tone.

If Jim couldn't feel the spark of humor in a corner of their shared mindspace he might even believe that his telsu has no idea what he's talking about.

*I did watch the old Disney movie as a child, t'hy'la.* Spock reveals after a few seconds. *It was a favorite of my mother.*

*Oh… my favorite was Beauty and the Beast.* Jim states. *And Mulan, Mulan was badass.*

*My preference was for Tarzan.* Spock says, mental-voice tinged with melancholy and also happiness at the memory of who introduced him to such movies. *It was an extremely illogical story, but I liked to hear my mother sing the songs.*

Of course, a child of two worlds, Jim would've been surprised if Spock had watched that movie and not identified with the main character; and in the background he could half-hear the memory of Amanda singing "You'll be in my Heart" to a very young Spock.

*Regarding our original topic of conversation,* Spock states eventually. *I do not believe that the Sleeping Beauty method, as you refer to it, would be of use in this instance. However, there is something we have yet to try.*

That calls Jim's attention.

*You are in my mind t'hy'la.* Spock explains. *And I am a telepath.*

Jim realizes what it is his telsu is about to do, just an instant before he does it. As Spock, who's already standing beside the bed by then, raises a hand and very carefully places his fingers on the melding-points on his unconscious body's face.

"My mind to your mind…" Spock whispers, mostly to himself.

*… my thoughts to your thoughts.* Jim finishes mentally.

And then… he's gone.

Or no, not gone. If he focuses Spock can feel a tether deep within his own self (his mind, his core), and he knows that it is what connects him to his t'hy'la. He wonders if Jim can feel the other end of it in his own mind…

Before Spock can do or say anything else Dr. McCoy is rushing into the room (the machines must have sent some kind of silent signal to him). Spock steps back, letting him do his work. It takes almost an hour, but finally Jim does wake up. Blue eyes opening to the world, the real world, for the first time in weeks; mouth open with a sharp intake of breath, as if he were breathing for the first time in just as long. McCoy is upon him immediately.

"Oh, don't be so melodramatic." The doctor says eventually in a snippy tone, trying to appear nonchalant, though Spock knows he was worried for his friend. "You were barely dead. It was the transfusion that really took its toll. You were out cold for two weeks."

"Transfusion?" Jim asks, voice hoarse, like he has no idea what has been going on.

"Your cells were heavily irradiated." McCoy informs him. "We had no choice."

"Khan?" And he really does sound like he has no idea.

"Once we caught him, I synthesized a serum from his super blood." The doctor elaborates. "Tell me, are you feeling, uh… homicidal, power-mad, despotic?"

"No more than usual." Jim jokes. "How'd you catch him?"

Spock freezes, just for a few seconds but he does. To the point where he doesn't realize that Dr. McCoy has directed the conversation his way until his J… t'… captain, is talking to him.

"You saved my life." He smiles, and Spock wants to believe that it's the same smile as last night, that gorgeous, private smile meant just for him… but it isn't.

"Uhura and I had something to do with it, you know." McCoy intervenes, taking advantage of Spock's extended silence.

"You saved my life… Captain and the lives of many oth…" Spock finally voices.

"Spock, just…thank you." The blonde human cuts him off.

"You are welcome, Jim." It's all Spock can say, because what else can possibly say? What when his Jim, his t'hy'la has forgotten all that truly matters?

**xXx**

Bones manages to keep Jim in medical a week before the blonde drives him crazy enough for the doctor to sign his medical discharge. Then Jim has to endure a whole week of what he refers to as 'the debrief from hell', though it's actually not as bad as he might have expected at one point. His people have done a very good job and all he needs to do is be consistent, not contradict any of them. There are things that they're keeping secret, for obvious and not-so-obvious reasons: only the highest ranked Admirals know the truth about Khan (and his crew) most of Starfleet, and the Federation, know him still as John Harrison, a former Starfleet officer who went absolutely crazy and tried to destroy Starfleet.

Officially Jim only 'almost died', supposedly due to a faulty safety-suit. Also officially, he was put in cryo while they ensured that the situation was under control and McCoy would be free to treat him. Any possible inconsistencies on that front are easily dismissed as distorted news and rumors; and no one breathes a word about any serums, or 'experimental treatments' of any kind.

Also, because Jim has always made a point to be open with his crew, and he gave the instruction to Nyota to project Marcus's call on all decks, everyone on Enterprise knows about Admiral Marcus and the Vengeance. Some of the admirals don't like that very much, especially the more traditional ones like Komack and Liu. If it were up to them they'd have chosen to keep Marcus's actions a secret from everyone both outside and inside Starfleet. Since that ship's already sailed Jim agrees to be the Admiralty's 'poster child' for a while and confirm the story Admiral Barnett eventually comes up with: declaring Marcus was an outlier, a man who, after the loss of so many subordinates and even his wife in a mission deep in the neutral zone years earlier came to believe that the only way to prevent events like that one, or the tragedy of the Kelvin, was to be the first to act, a 'preemptive strike' as some would call it. That's not what Starfleet is about. They are, in the words of the deceased Admiral Pike 'a peacekeeping and humanitarian armada'.

Jim hates being Starfleet's poster-boy at any given time but he'll do it if he has to, because the last thing he (they) need is the wrong individuals looking too closely at some things. And it's not even just about his own 'near' death. It's about all of Scotty's not-quite-authorized experiments and modifications (and his continued attempts at creating alcoholic drinks of some kind); it's about all the ways he and Scotty have tinkered with the replicators in order to get some food be at least halfway decent; it's about all the female officers that wear leggings instead of pantyhose whenever they're not on base or down on whatever planet they may have to go to, and while it's not exactly regulation Jim will never tell them to stop doing it because he does understand that the female uniform is much too short; it's about all the people on his ship getting involved with each other even though 'fraternization' is looked down upon unless there's an actual marriage, as it's said to affect work efficiency (and Jim can only wonder how anyone's supposed to get to know someone enough to decide to marry if they're not supposed to date, it's absolutely ridiculous!). All in all, there's quite a bit going on in his ship that he'd rather no one look too closely at, for everyone's benefit, not just his own. Admiral Pike knew most of it, mostly because Jim was never good at hiding things from the man, not when they were in good terms and talking to each other. He would always tell Jim that as long as they kept the right public image (especially concerning uniforms and everyone on the ship doing their jobs) they wouldn't be in trouble.

It takes almost two weeks, but eventually Jim's able to take some time for himself. And he knows exactly what to do with it. He also knows that it probably won't be easy, so he makes a detailed plan. It starts with him buying some cocoa, sugar, cream, milk, which he mixes together once back in his tiny Starfleet-issued lodgings. Then he adds what's left of a bottle of very good whiskey. He and Chris shared a few drinks the day before the Enterprise set out on its official maiden voyage, it was the last drink they shared (that time in the bar, when Chris found him after the mess in Nibiru does not count); and while Jim's had a few drinks since, that particularly whiskey he left alone, until now. Then, once everything's blended well together and cooled down he pours the mix into the whiskey bottle and corks it.

With the bottle inside a knapsack he makes his way to his favorite Italian restaurant, he called ahead so they already have his order waiting for him. Jim thanks them, pays (adding a generous tip, he's in a good mood!) and then he's on his way, following his instincts regarding what direction he needs to go next.

Spock's sitting on his couch, reading an actual book. Part of his mother's collection, most of them heirlooms centuries old. he has one book with a collection of Sherlock Holmes's novels, the original ones written by Arthur Conan Doyle in the late 19th and early 20th centuries; another with Tolkien's works, and an Anthology from one of his mother's own favorite writers: Jane Austen. The one in his hand at the moment is a Collection of old fairy-tales, or more precisely, lesser known versions of such: like how in that version of Snow White the 'evil stepmother' is made to dance while wearing iron-hot shoes during the princess's wedding; or how, in Red Riding Hood the wolf turns out to be the father of the female protagonist; while in Beauty and the Beast Belle has two sisters, there is a magic ring involved and no Gaston, just a lot of misunderstandings, jealousy and, of course, love at the end. He wonders if Jim realizes how truly romantic the story is… considering that a part of him is always claiming not to believe in love and all that.

When the doorbell rings it takes him completely by surprise. Especially when he opens it to find no other than Jim at his door, carrying a couple of bags. It's enough that he barely manages to conceal his surprise at his presence there, particularly because he's quite sure he's never told his t… captain where he lives. Then again, he can probably find such information easily just by accessing his file…

"No, I didn't look for your address in your file." Jim says dismissively. "To be fair, it didn't actually occur to me…" He snorts and shrugs. "Do you plan on inviting me in Mr. Spock? I do believe this is the kind of conversation you'd prefer we have in private."

"I remain unaware what kind of conversation you believe we need to have, a… captain." Spock states, though even as he says that he's already stepping aside and letting Jim in.

"Do you?" Jim asks nonchalantly, purposefully extending two fingers and running them across the back of one of Spock's hands, all the way to his wrist. "I'd have thought it'd be only logical."

Spock opens his mouth to say something, only to snap it close again when Jim touches him and he feels the intense surge of lustpassionexhilarationdesperationlovehope that spears right through him. He needs several seconds to regain his focus and follow Jim into the apartment, where he's placed the two bags on the dinning room table and is slowly pulling things out.

"I brought Italian." He announces, and when Spock opens his mouth to say something, he counters before the other man has a chance to say a thing. "I know Italian isn't exactly your favorite but there's no pizza, so we're not eating with our fingers, instead we have veggie lasagna, mozarella sticks, fried zucchini and garlic bread." He opens the knapsack. "And over here we have a bottle of chocolate liquor, my very own recipe: with a mix of very good chocolate and the best whiskey. Because we both deserve to get at least a little bit tipsy and this is the best way."

"Captain I…" Spock's at a loss regarding what to say, or do, Jim's actions, his words, his mere presence makes no sense at all.

"I believe we're off-duty Spock, you can very well use my name."

"Jim…"

"Or any of the other words you've taken a liking to t'hy'la…"

Spock stops breathing entirely.

"It's almost funny, you know?" Jim continues. "This… thing in the back of my head, however you want to describe it. I think I've always been aware of it, on some level, from the very start. I just didn't know what it was, exactly. I knew it was important. So beautiful, so warm, so… right. And there were times, when I was having a specially bad day, and just focusing on it, on that golden light, would help me get through it." He smiles his soft, gorgeous, perfect smile. "I've cherished this bond even before I knew what it meant. To me, to you, to us… and now…"

He breaks off when he realizes that Spock hasn't said anything, the Vulcan-hybrid is just standing there, staring at Jim, as if he cannot quite believe the blonde is there.

"I remember." Jim states. "I… I know your mind must have gone to some awful places when I woke up and… Have you ever had a dream, one so beautiful, so amazing, so perfect that when you first wake up you cannot help but be at a loss as to where you are exactly, what's real and what isn't? And in my case, well, everything that happened was most definitely a dream, yet it was also absolutely real…" He smiles a small, helpless smile. "I promise to you, it did not actually take me this long to come to my senses. However, you were no longer visiting, and when I finally got Bones to let me go the Admiralty insisted on us having that 'debrief from hell'… and this isn't the kind of conversation we could've had over a comm or in the middle of Starfleet HQ. So I waited and now… I'm here ashayam and I remember…"

That seems to be the right thing to say, for in seconds Spock's crossed the room, his hands are on Jim's face, and then their mouths are connecting in a very human kiss.

*K'hat'n'dlawa…* The word comes to Jim through their bond, once again bright and open.

*Taluk nash-veh k'dular, ashayam…* Jim replies with the same declaration he used that day, back in their shared mindscape.

Eventually the need to breathe becomes a priority and they have to separate. Even then they remain closely together for several seconds longer, as if getting silently reacquainted with each other. Spock has spent the last two weeks believing that Jim didn't remember their bond, while Jim made sure they'd all be safe, that neither the Admiralty nor anyone else would be able to fuck up with them again; before seeking his telsu. They have everything for a romantic dinner and a few drinks and then… well, the night is young.

An idea occurs to the blonde then and he steps back. Spock dislikes that but before he can express his disagreement, he sees his bondmate cross his arms at the wrist, palms open, towards him. That… Spock can do nothing except mirror the position, and then he takes a single step forward, letting their palms connect. Letting their hands, and their spirits (their katra) embrace.

When words begin echoing in the back of their minds neither of them knows who starts it, but soon they're both thinking them in synch:

*Parted from me and never parted… Never and always touching and touched…*

In that moment everything's absolutely perfect…

**Author's Note:**

> Full-sized poster/cover as always can be found in DeviantArt, I can be found as Princess-Lalaith there. 
> 
> Thanks to faradheia, both for the bidding and for the awesome exchanges we had which inspired me to write this fic, I've loved working on it so much! Hope you all enjoyed the reading of it too! And to all who helped with this year's Fandom Trumps Hate, THANK YOU!!! 
> 
> P.S. To those following my M'aih series, I haven't forgotten the AUs, the first of them is coming next week.


End file.
